


Septic Saints

by TheDeadAreWalking



Category: Boondock Saints (Movies), Jacksepticeye (RPF), Markiplier (RPF)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Meeting, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-11 05:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7878184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeadAreWalking/pseuds/TheDeadAreWalking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack lives in the tough part of Boston and wants nothing more than to go home to Ireland. He makes the dumb decision to go to a fancy cafe, especially when he find a cute boy in the booth with him begging him to pretend to be his boyfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Septic Saints

**Author's Note:**

> This is a serious fic set in a crack universe. I saw a prompt on Tumblr that said combine your current fandom and your first. My current is Septiplier and my first was Boondock Saints. I have no clue what this is. I want to die.

Jack looked around the streets of Boston, this place was nothing like home. Home was green and safe and beautiful. This shithole was filled crime and sinners. He felt dirty just being here, but he was here.

Jack looked at the people rushing around the streets from one place to the next. At least in his car, he could block some of the insanity out. Pulling a cigarette and placing it between his lips before lighting it, Jack thought back to how he had ended up in America, to begin with.

His twin cousins had ended up in some deep shit and rang home for help. The whole family had sat down at the local bar and discussed what to do before decided someone had to go over and act as a cover. Someone young, that would convince the cops that his cousins weren't doing anything wrong. Well the federal law that is, his cousins had gotten close with the local law apparently. They were real pieces of work.

Someone young turned out to be him and next thing he knew he was being shipped off to America with an address and a couple American bills in his pocket. Jack remembers stepping off the boat and grimacing. America was fast and crowded.

Jack had gone to the address and cursed loudly when he got to the apartment. It was a shitty one room flat with what looked like two beds, a moth-eaten couch, a barely functioning TV, and empty cans everywhere.

Also, there was fucking no one home. 

Jack sat on the couch for what felt like hours watching channels that came in and out through the static of the beaten up ancient tv when he heard the door open. He watched his cousins stumble in without even noticing him. He hadn't seen them since he was in school, maybe even younger. They looked still looked the same as they had back then, they may be twins but they never looked the same.

Connor, of course, barged into the room first. His sandy hair was all over the place as if he had just been fucked. He was always the showman of the two of them. The one to start throwing fists and yelling.

Murphy, in stark contrast, silently followed his twin. The dark haired counterpart noticed Jack first and smirked at him, "Con."

Connor spun around from his previous task of looking for a can of beer, "What, Murph?" Murphy didn't even bother answering, instead, he followed his twins eyes to the dimly lite corner of the room where Jack sat, "Well fuck me. It's lil old Sean!" Connor ran at him and pulled him out of his chair and in for a bear hug, "Lord fucking Christ, you're bigger than I remember you. Look at wee Sean all tall and grown."

"Still as fucking ugly as I remember," Murphy said.

"It's Jack."

Connor just messed his hair all up, "Awe, here that Murph. Baby Sean goes by Jack now. How precious."

Jack puffed out a ring of smoke at the memory. He had been here for months and hasn't grown to like his cousins anymore than he did that night. He didn't hate them or anything, they were just something else. Something he could tell they really didn't want him to be around. But he was so they wouldn't complain. They had always kept close to each to each other and rarely involved anyone else in their life. 

Jack huffed as he looked at his watch. He was supposed to pick them up after work but they were nowhere to be seen. Then it hit Jack, they were doing a different type of working tonight, one that involved guns and coming home bloody, and Jack had been sitting outside a meat packing company for an hour for no fucking reason.

Jack turned the key to the car and pulled out from his parking spot. He drove through town and stopped at a light contemplating where to go. He really didn't wanna go back to the flat. He could do to the bar, he had grown to enjoy McGinty's, Doc, and the people at the bar but didn't feel like it this early. He felt less Irish just thinking that but it was true.

Then he remembers this yuppie cafe opening downtown. He had read about it in the paper, he really did love coffee but knew the second he stepped into the place he would be singled out as the poor Irish guy who probably can't even afford what he's ordering.

Fuck it, was the last thought Jack had as he turned left to head to the cafe.

-

He was right. He stuck out like a sore thumb in this place. His baggy pants and neck tattoo did little to hid the fact that he didn't belong here. Ignoring the glances he was getting from well-dressed business folk and hipsters he took a booth in the corner and faced the wall.

The waitress came over and, before taking his order, looked him up and down. She scoffed when he said he just wanted a coffee. Jack sat in silence and took comfort in the small chatter in the cafe around him. Much better than the bar at this hour.

Jack had thanked the waitress for his coffee when she brought it because she may be a bitch but he isn't rude when someone suddenly slammed themselves into the booth with him.

Jack had opened his mouth to protest when the guy that jumped in the booth with him started talking in a hurried tone, "Listen, my ex-boyfriend is insane. He's been harassing me ever since I broke up with him. He thinks I still love him which I don't, I never did. He's a total douche bag and I tried to get him to leave me alone by telling him I started dating someone new. He left me alone for a little and then I bumped into him outside and he asked where my boyfriend was so I panicked and said he was inside and then I darted in and looked for the cutest boy to make him jealous and leave me alone and now I'm realizing this is a horrible plan. Please just fake be my boyfriend until he leaves?"

Jack felt his mouth hang open as his eyes darted over the man in the booth with him. He was probably the most gorgeous man Jack had ever laid eyes on. His hair was dark and looked so soft Jack had to hold himself back from running his fingers through it. His glasses were a little crooked and he had a light blush gracing his cheeks. Jack swears he could hear his own heart beating out of his chest.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," the man said moving to get out, "this was the worst idea ever."

"No! No, don't go! I'll help you. Ok? I'm Jack. We should probably have a quick get-to-know-each-other."

Mark nodded and quickly glanced behind them, "Shit he's here. I don't think he sees us yet. I'm Mark. I'm 22, I moved here from Ohio. I'm an engineer but not like a car engineer more like the advanced kind. Um...I like dogs."

Jack smiled and then quickly tried to think of how to sum himself up. It's crazy how when someone asks you to tell you about themselves you forget everything, "I moved here a couple months ago from Ireland to live with my cousins who I think are in deep with the mob or something. I'm 20, I hate America. My hair is way too grey for my age. I like television and I'm not an engineer and I have no job and a barely functioning car. I like dogs, too."

Mark nodded trying to take all it all in before realizing something, "Wait, mob?"

"Ignore that, so the cutest boy in the cafe?"

Before Mark could answer there was someone at their table. He helped himself to the seat across the booth from Mark and Jack. Distantly, Jack wishes he had gone to the bar. 

"Hi, Mark," the uninvited guest said. His voice was overly sweet and Jack felt his arm wrap around Mark. He told himself it was just for show but to be honest, Mark was hot and this guy gave off real creep vibes, "So this is your new boyfriend? I see you're not scared of downgrading," he said looking at his clothes and tattoos.

Jack was about to defend himself when Mark interpreted him, "At least he knows when I say no to stop, Johnathan," Jack whipped his head around to look at Mark. Mark continued to stare at this Johnathan guy. 

"You and I both know you didn't want to stop."

Jack felt Mark start shaking, he wasn't sure if it was with anger or he was about to cry. Jack decided to step in, "Look, buddy, leave us alone. You really don't want to get into it with me. I'm gonna ask you to leave and never try to contact me or Mark again."

For the first real time Johnathan looked at him, "What's a punk like you going to do about it?"

Jack sighed took his arm from around mark to lift his coat to flash Johnathan the gun he had holstered to his side, "Blow your fucking brains out." 

The man turned white before stuttering out, "You wouldn't."

Jack took a deep breath before lifting his foot and slamming it as hard as possible into his balls as he could, "Try me," Jack said standing and holding a hand out for Mark to take as Johnathan cupped his dick and started tearing up. Mark took his hand with his own shaking hands, "In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, bitch. Come on Mark lets go somewhere less disgusting for lunch."

-

Once outside and a few blocks from the cafe Jack bets he's banned from, he turns to Mark who is still silently holding his hand, "So, umm, I think it's safe to say he won't bother you anymore."

Mark let a shaky laugh, "Yeah, I think so."

Jack rubbed the back of his neck and let go of Mark's hands, "So, bye I guess, your welcome," he said turning to go back to his car and drive home to take a now needed nap when he felt a hand grab his arm.

"What!" Jack turned to see Mark smiling, "I was promised a lunch."

Jack felt a smile pull at his own lips, "I did didn't I," Jack said taking Mark's hand again and leading them to his car. 

-

Jack pulled up to the bar and felt nervous, this didn't look at all like Mark's style, this place was loud and rough and actually more disgusting than the cafe. But it was familiar and reminded him of home, "You know I could just take you home?" 

"No," Mark said starting getting out of the car and walking up to the bar door like he had been here a million times. Jack followed suit, "This place looks a lot better."

Jack smiled again and pushed the door open, they were blasted with a face full of smoke and Doc greeting Jack with a beer he wasn't technically old enough to drink in this country and asking Jack about Mark, "Wh-wh-who FUCK ASS is this lad?" 

Mark answered for him, "His boyfriend." Doc smiled and poured Mark his own beer and welcomed him to the family. Jack lead them to the back of the bar and thought to himself, 'Maybe America isn't all that bad.'

**Author's Note:**

> There you go.


End file.
